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Miscellany

NEXT: NINE SYMPHONIES TO BE DIVESTED IN BEETHOVEN, CORP. BREAKUP The chairman of the board of the William Butler Yeats Corporation, Makers of Fine Literature (“We Shall Release No Metaphor Before Its Time”), announced today that the company had acquired controlling interest of the Percy Bysshe Shelley Communications Emp’re. Although the chairman of the board …

NEXT: NINE SYMPHONIES TO BE DIVESTED IN BEETHOVEN, CORP. BREAKUP

The chairman of the board of the William Butler Yeats Corporation, Makers of Fine Literature (“We Shall Release No Metaphor Before Its Time”), announced today that the company had acquired controlling interest of the Percy Bysshe Shelley Communications Emp’re. Although the chairman of the board presented the news with an air of festivity, insiders on Wall Street revealed that the takeover action had been met with extreme hostility and that the corporate infighting was fraught with bitterness.

As soon as the takeover was made public, stock in the Yeats Corporation soared from $43 a share to $76-despite the fact that in recent years the price of lyric poems has been at an all-time low.

Henceforth, all of Shelley’s poems, letters and plays will be published under the name of Yeats. Legal experts predict, however, that references to Shelley in biographies will most likely remain unaltered.

-The New York Times


 COMRADE CONGRESSMAN

This year, 99 percent of the 408 members seeking new terms were re-elected, breaking the 98 percent record for incumbent success set in 1986. The turnover rate among members is no lower than that of the Communist Party’s central committee.

-The Wall Street Journal


 

DEFINED

Budget Cut, n. Formerly, a decrease in government spending. Now, a decrease in the rate of increase in government spending.

Collective Leadership, n. In the Soviet Union, the cult of impersonality. Socialism with no face at all.

Competition, n. The rivalry between lobbyists striving for the same political patronage.

Democrat, n. One who fights parsimony with sanctimony.

Flying Saucers, n. Chariots of the frauds.

Honest Politician, n. A politician who steals no more than is legally allowed.

Kennedy, Ted, n. A bridge over troubled water.

Law and Order, n. The political goal of getting criminals off the streets and back into public office where they belong.

Pollster, n. One who measures what the public thinks about something it doesn’t think about.

Reliable Sources, n. Sources judged to be reliable by some journalist whose judgement probably is not.

Taxpayer, n. One who renders unto a seizer what is not the seizer’s.

Unfair Competition, n. Successful competition.

-Lucifer’s Lexicon, L.A. Rollins


FUELING THE ECONOMY

There is a very important longer-range reason for the United States to get its trade deficit down. Sometime in the future, perhaps by the mid-1990s, there will be another oil crunch. It will happen sooner if there is a major political upset in the Middle East; it will happen inevitably when demand in expanding industrial nations outstrips supply, even at $35-40 per barrel of oil. If the next oil crunch occurs when the world’s largest market still imports a lot more than it exports, the economic setback in the U.S. will have a devastating effect on those countries whose prosperity depends on exports to the U.S.

It is all too easy to criticize the U.S. for inattention to its budget and trade deficits. At the same time, it is also too easy to ignore the fact that in the 1980′s an expanding U.S. domestic economy fueled world economic expansion by drawing exports from Japan, the newly industrialized countries of Asia, and from Canada, Germany and the other common market countries.

-Bilateral Relations-The U.S. View, Japan-U.S. Business Conference, Tokyo


HELP WANTED

In its newsletter, Harrow Health Authority explains that the difficulty some members of the public might have had in contacting Northwick Park Hospital by telephone has been caused by a shortage of switchboard staff. Job applications are invited from would-be telephonists, who are asked to ring in for the appropriate form.

-Daily Telegraph, London


GRIPES

Not all job complaints deal with vital issues like salary, working hours or retirement benefits, according to a nationwide survey of major corporations. In fact, some of the things that upset employees are surprising, unusual, and even humorous.

Some of the more interesting employee grievances recalled by personnel directors responding to the survey included:

·           “The coffee isn’t ground sufficiently and the cups are too small.”

·           “The color of the chairs is so bright, we can’t concentrate on our work.”

·           “The elevators are too fast.”

·           “When the guy at the next work station takes a lunch-hour nap, he usually snores like an elephant.”

·           “My desk is too big.”

·           “This place is a zoo, especially when there’s a full moon.”

·           “The health insurance policy doesn’t cover vet bills for my dog.”

.           “They won’t let me make popcorn in my office.”

- Journal of American Insurance

 

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